On Having a Zombie For A Pet

  Do you want a pet that’s interesting, cool, and slightly dangerous? I recommend zombies. In this article, I’ll be giving you practical advice on having a zombie for a pet.


Why Zombies?

  It’s not like you have much for options:

Frankenstein’s Monster. I don’t feel like pillaging graveyards. Besides, how’d you put it together?

Vampires. They’re not exactly sturdy. One touch of sunlight and they’re dead. Plus, they turn into bats and fly in your hair.

Werewolves. On the one hand, you have a wolf who’s trying to eat you, on the other, a person who’s playing the “hostage” card.

Mummies. I’m not traveling to Egypt to get one (how’d you get it on the plane anyway?).


  Zombies come in one easy piece,are quite sturdy (no leg, no problem), don’t turn into anything and are easy enough to find.

Zombies Aren’t In The Pet Store

  How do you find one, catch it and bring it home?

While not as exotic as mummies, zombies can be difficult to find. Look for them around Halloween, Hollywood, and phone stores. I found mine at a classified area.

  To catch it, think of it as zombie hunting, catch-and-release style. Wear leather. Don’t let it bite you, and consider using tranquilizers.

  To bring it home, pop open the trunk, kick your zombie into it, and quickly shut it. Speed comes in handy here.

Tips, Tricks, And Advice

  • If your zombie tries to eat you, feed it. Feed it pizza, sketchy leftovers, a bully, your homework; you know, whatever.

  • Put a leash on it. They tend to wander off…

  • If your zombie gets lost, don’t wander around the neighborhood calling it. They don’t come, and you look crazy. Just stay calm and follow the screams/ destruction.

  • Keep an eye on what it’s watching on TV. Don’t let it watch zombie movies, lest it learn something, or catch on to the fact that zombies, you know, eat people.


  That’s all I have for now, but if you should need anything, comment below and I’ll see what I can do. Whatever you do, don’t let it bite you, okay? Have a wonderful, beautiful day filled with zombie hunting.


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